I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve tried to pretend I don’t remember, or that today is a day of no significance. But the truth is it is. Today is Joe’s birthday.
As much as I try to hate him, I still have this complex when it comes to Joe. I see him in two parts: the good and the bad. There is the part that was my best friend and love of my life and the part that is the man who took from me, and damaged me and broke me. I wish I could see him as one–but I still don’t. This is how he always wanted it with me. There was relationship Joe and there was sex addict Joe and he worked very hard to keep the two seperate.
If a man is the sum of his parts, each part needs to be acknowledged as belonging to the whole, but still nearly 8 months later I am unable to really do it. That is why days like today are still hard. On days like today when a wave of nostalgia hits me and I am taken back to years past and birthdays celebrated I am somehow still able to feel sad that he is no longer in my life.
I am sad that I didn’t spend the entire month scouring local men’s botiques and and online shopping until late at night to find the perfect gift. I would always get so giddy once I knew I had found it, and rarely was able to wait until the day of his actual birthday to give it to him. I would be anxious with anticipation as he opened the wrapping and found what was inside, and get a high from watching him enjoy what it took me so long to find. I lived for the thrill of giving the perfect gift.
I am sad we won’t be toasting to another year over a piece of tres leches cake at our favorite restaurant. I am sad that this year it is not I who gets to make this day special. I am sad his actions took the joy of this away from me, and sad that there is nothing left for us to celebrate–and even more sad that the idea of “us” is just a memory.
I didn’t hear from him on my birthday back in August, but at that time I wasn’t ready to–and quite frankly I am glad I didn’t. Tonight I am not ready to talk to him either and because of that the best gift I can give him is space and silence. As for me, there is one item on my wishlist. It could go months, years or perhaps an eternity before I get it…but the one last gift he can give me is to some day honestly and truly undersand what he has put me through how much he has hurt me. Because even if for just one day he could understand—really understand what he has done to me and how deeply I have been scarred maybe then I can get the closure I have so desperately been seeking for so long and the true and honest and sincere apology that I deserve.
The Breakup Blog 
Dear Emily,
I may be shooting in the dark, but I would say that what you feel is quite normal for loving an addict–an addict of any kind. A person is still a person; there is good within them and worth loving and you did that. The addiction a person is consumed by, in some ways, is like a cancer that consumes a patient with cancer. The positive part of your friend that still lingers with you can be a platform to bring closure.
The negative bits of the addiction that leaves you with anger, shame, hurt, confusion, betrayal, and helplessness and feelings of being less important than their addiction is what is holding you back from closure. It is all wrapped in a world of lies and deception, a distortion of reality and truth. That is the nature of addiction.
Being heard and understood by him about what his addiction has done to you may never come; he may never be capable of such an act of wholeness and maturity. Please, do not let this hold you back from healing and wholeness. Do not allow yourself to be trapped by his addiction. Fight for yourself; fight against letting IT keep you a victim any longer.
This has been the hardest part for me. Feeling like the man I loved died or never existed. I feel like the person who is there now is not the person that I knew. But how could that be?
I emailed a couple of weeks ago (using my real name — I’m also from the Twin Cities), right after our “incident”. I really thank you for your response. It is helpful to feel a little less alone.
Mourning happens when we lose anything of value to us. In this moment in time, your relationship has had to “die”. If he chooses to become free from his addiction, perhaps your relationship can be resumed. The man you loved still exists but he is in a holding pattern, in a prison of bondage. He is still there. Yes, you have been deceived but not by him, by the addiction.
Part of your healing may involve forgiving yourself…even though in reality there is nothing to forgive. There is no shame in loving someone.
I wrote a story a few days ago you might interesting, In This Moment in Time
http://debbie915631.wordpress.com/?s=in+this+moment+in+time
I’m not sure how helpful it would be, but I know there are support groups in our local area; maybe there is someone there that can help process all these mixed up and heavy feelings?
Oh sorry, I just realized you already have access to resources. Terribly sorry.